Wednesday, March 17, 2004
and now. i'm thinking i need to make a plan for graduation. like, i need to apply to schools. apps are due soon. the idea of going back to the working world is scaring the shit out of me. i know i am depressed. i want to sleep all the time. but i wake around 4:30 or 5am, in a cold sweat, nightmares about sprung verse and a howling universe. and i have to calm myself down by pretending i am not alone. i feed the cat, i make coffee.
i just went for a long run, one that will make me hurt tomorrow. i doubled my route. today is grey and perfect -- there is a damp, low-lying fog, and no wind, and when i ran by the river and a pond, it was just me and the squirrels and ground hogs. the old crooked trees. it felt like being inside a painting. it felt like central park, except empty. this is NY weather. there were two beagles, howling and snuffling among the rocks. tomorrow i take my cat to the vet. i will probably skip class in order to do my work. i can't believe how much there is to do, and how uncertain it all seems at this moment, how we go on, despite how little it makes sense.