Thursday, June 17, 2004
if we’re feeling this good, we ought to have a record of it
I let my misery show. Is that a crime? To not act happy, or friendly, when I don’t feel like it? I have the right to be pissed off and antisocial. Why justify it.
The worst is when someone tells me s/he likes me, and acts all happy to see me, even though we haven’t talked in months. More than anything, I abhor fake people.
I don’t know what I am doing, and I wish people would stop asking me. I need to get away from these people, who are awful.
Every day I think I am going to die. I think it when I cross a street, when I drive my car, when I ride my bike, I think maybe today will be the day.
I also think, when my phone rings at an odd hour, that it will bring the news of a loved-one’s death.
There is a woman here who looks very much like Adele, who died when I was 17. Adele had ovarian cancer. It was diagnosed when she gave birth --prematurely--to a daughter, at the age of 40. She underwent treatment for four years.
I was 13, and shocked. It was the first time I think I began to believe in the indifference of this world. The idea that people die for no reason. Good people.
She was the healthiest person I ever knew. She was a nutritionist, and when I went to her house, as a kid, the snacks she’d give us were rice cakes and other sorts of wholesome treats. She exercised, and she was beautiful, and she died for no reason at all.
And every child deserves to be loved. Then, the idea of God was a given. I mean, bat mitzvah, jewish camp--forget about the way I talked to "God" in nature and "felt things." The one in the books, in schools, the one represented in stained-glass windows and flames, or the one in paintings, who delivered presents to my christian cousins and neighbors--that one never convinced me. But Adele’s daughter did. From the day she came into this world, she knew that bad shit happens to good people. She's one of the smartest kids I know.
there's nothing wrong with needing to cry when it begins to grow dark.
and to consciously bring it on with music, declining invitations, not answering the phone, and when people ask how are you, answering "fine." smiling, even.
hello. can i just say i miss you?
so beat. met with students all day. finished grading their first papers last night. next thursday i will receive nearly 50 new papers to take with me to thanksgiving. what a break.
and before then, i have to complete a paper. in order to graduate.
on top of all that, there is so much going on this weekend, and i can't do any of it.
porn is good for stress. i am swinging by for more in a bit. it's actually making me want to make some myself. it's so DYI.
it's getting really cold. there is no other news. i can't procrastinate. i can't afford it. oh, and i have to perform next week, too. my god. so stressed.